retrointrospection
Mood:  not sure
Topic: It's all about me
I'm getting weary of the lame caricature that my memory likes to make of me in those wee hours when my brain doesn't want to cooperate and let me sleep. I see little encapsulated moments from my past played out again and again - stupid resentments that I know I should let go of, and I do tell myself to, but I wake up the next morning and trip over that baggage again. They don't just go away because I know they're in the past.

And it's silly. Sillier, in fact, that I don't want to get into specifics here. I mean really, isn't my personal blog the best place to air this sort of shit and get it out of my system so I can pat myself on the back for being a good participant in this little therapy moment? And it's not like I should worry about broadcasting personal issues out into the world. Yes, putting it up on the blog is technically a global broadcast, but it's not like more than a handful of people will ever wander close enough to catch it. Maybe that's what keeps me from going to that particular place, the fact that only people I feel close to are likely to read it - a bit too close for comfort.

Big surprise, I've digressed. There is a point to this post somewhere. There are these annoying little quirks I have, these moody little moments that tear me in many directions when I least expect it, and I know where so many of them come from. It makes me angry that when I was younger I would have to deal with people going out of their way to frustrate me, and when I acted on that frustration it was always "You're so oversensitive" or "You're such a little sissy" or some other bullshit. So now I've been conditioned to keep that frustration bottled up until it's uncontainable, and when it explodes out I do and say regrettable things. And history repeats itself - it looks like stupid and trivial things set me off in the moment.

I don't want to point fingers. That's a lie - I do indeed want to point fingers, sometimes one finger in specific. I want people to blame my own faults on. Who can be to blame here so that it won't be me? This is turning into a pity party, and I think somehow whatever reason I had for posting this has evaporated. I can look back on this in a few months or years and wish I never posted, or I can save myself the trouble and just not. Pretty much the same either way.