Mood:
caffeinatedTopic: It's all about me
This link (which I hope still works by the time anyone reads this - still does as of my posting) found its way to me via the #Bearcave. No, it's not porn, go ahead and click it.
I know, it puts a serious martyr spin on introverts (and yes, I know it's meant as tongue-in-cheek), but beyond that I relate to it quite a bit. It bugs me so much when I hear about these noble ideals associated with extroverted people, and yet my naturally insular nature somehow makes me unfit for society and that I must strive to be good and social and part of the big pod-people way of life.
Yes, I find socializing tiresome occasionally. My friends know how much I love them, and they respect that I need to be by myself sometimes - there is a lot of noise in my head that I gotta sort through. Hell, before Faire went into exile I would almost inevitably end up sitting on one of the barrels in front of cannonade to just sit and listen and be still. You would think people would clue in, but no - almost every time I would get any number of people coming up to me and asking if I was alright, did I need anything, was I feeling okay. Yes! I'm fine! Oy...
Another thing about this is that I have a tremendous voyeur streak in me - I much prefer watching things unfold than to put my hand in and get involved. Mostly this is because I already know that getting involved usually means I fuck things up. But mainly I just like to watch, to listen, to see where things are going. And yet this is seen as somehow wrong, that I'm not participating enough and that just can't be allowed. Why is it so important for everyone to behave the same way, to have a consensus of thought and action?
So, with all that nonsense in mind I have two statements.
The first: if you are reading this chances are it doesn't apply to you but I'm going to say it anyway - The reason I don't bring up topics so much in conversation, the reason I tend to keep our conversations on a surface level, is because you are disinterested and often actively hostile to my interests. I've had enough of explaining myself to people, and I'm tired of the defensive reaction I get when confronted with the idea that my interests are not good enough for you. I don't imagine this bothers you, at least you don't act that way, so I'm fine just keeping things the way they are.
The second: if you are reading this chances are very good that it applies to you in some way - The reason I don't keep in touch with you is that I am a lazy bastard and terrible at keeping in touch. Also, and I have yet to understand where this comes from, I am terrible at initiating pretty much anything. But I think you already knew that.
I think I'm done now. I'll try to be better at updating this thing.
